This one’s “Alex”.
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[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.