“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.