This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
You Might Also Like
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”