Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud