Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

okay run it by me one more time

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.