This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
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My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
three things we don’t talk about
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter