Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

screw you

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

they should invent a hydrating liquor

A short story of betrayal:

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

No laws when master is gone

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.