Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

pls suprot

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?