Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

as cold as it is i may take up that offer for a ride in that windowless van

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway