This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
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Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”