This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons