This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’