Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

[loses house key, starts a new life]

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.