Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock