this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
in the ocean
