This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
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The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
feetloaf
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it