Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

i really liked this one

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house