This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
You Might Also Like
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
