This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
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Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.