This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
You Might Also Like
These are too funny not to post 😂
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.