This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.