This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
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me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.