Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.