Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Only a mother’s love …

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex