This pepper has seen some $h1t.
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Thursday Thought.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”