This pepper has seen some $h1t.
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
normalize having existential bread
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.