This pepper has seen some $h1t.
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I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.