This pepper has seen some shit
You Might Also Like
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again