This pepper has seen some shit
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Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
December birthdays be like…
