This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
You Might Also Like
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
ibopfufen
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free