This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?