this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
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Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
