this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
You Might Also Like
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.