This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.