This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Education is vital
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them