@CanadianCyn

This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.

That doesn’t even make sense.

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@Smooheed

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

@BlindChow

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened

@TheMichaelRock

Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*

Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist?

Worker: You mean screws?

Me: I don’t know, I’m not a nail scientist.

Worker….

@aveuaskew

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

@Jake_Vig

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

@squirrel74wkgn

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

?????[ponytail appears]

@croninwhocares

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)