cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
This took me a second..
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.