“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
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“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
BRO LMFAO
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.