This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
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“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
more water
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Storm Tropical Storm
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”