Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.