This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany