Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Autocarrot sucks!

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.