Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals