“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins