This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
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Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?