This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic