@CauseWereGuys

This Polar Bear is my spirit animal

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@Social_Mime

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

@waydybee

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

@mrjohndarby

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

@aotakeo

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

@dorkwing_duck

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

@Hadzilla

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

@jonnysun

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

@DadInUtah

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

@sonictyrant

Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*