This Polar Bear is my spirit animal

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Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.


whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!


murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me


worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone


Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?


If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately


CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]


Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said


Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*