I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
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Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.