“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
“I’m helping” 😅
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.