Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Dune (2021)
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.