this post was so formative to me
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Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
this country is so goddamn polarized
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.