this post was so formative to me
You Might Also Like
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.