Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

i was baptized in a car wash

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.