Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

I disagree with my politics

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.