This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
greetings!
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤