This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“That’s what” – She
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story