Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

me refusing to leave twitter

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”