Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

*swipes right on my hand mirror

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.