This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
absolutely not
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.