This probably isn’t good
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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.