This probably isn’t good
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Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.