This probably isn’t good
You Might Also Like
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
You had me at “define legal”.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby