This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
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My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
spot the difference
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear