Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

I’m dying louder than usual today.

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.