Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

Cannot stop laughing at this

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Had to try this trend 😊

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.