This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
#Caturday
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*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”