This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE