Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”